Haunting Holiday Thought Series:
What to Do if I am Feeling Unhappy in Life
“I feel stuck and unhappy.” They would say with a sigh of defeat. My client desires a richer life of meaning, excitement, and purpose. I hear the longing for challenges and enriching relationships to themselves and significant others of all kinds. And time and time again, what gets in the way are often voices that originated in their earlier life. Even if many of my immigrant clients live far away from their parents, the impact of their upbringing continues to show up in their adult life, following them like an old family ghost. As they feel the weight of being stuck in a life that seems to satisfy everyone but them, the ghost creeps up and whispers in their ear: “You are unhappy because you are ungrateful!”
Outside of therapy, clients often don’t have the capacity to notice this ghost is rooted in their history and not reality. The stinging criticism is often too much to handle, so they tell themself they should not want beyond what they have. This works until the next time their desires stir in seeing something they long for, and the ghost is inevitably summoned again. With some gentle questioning they can often name memories of being told that being unhappy means being judged by others.
The Making of a Family Ghost
The stories of how the ghost came about vary between clients, but they generally involve a beloved person shutting them down for voicing discontentment. The story can look like this:
A little girl comes home and expresses unhappiness to her grandma: “My friend Thom has a beautiful big garden in their yard, I want that too! I’m sad we don’t have that.” In a healthy dynamic, grandma would be able to validate the girl’s feelings and ask questions like “What is it that you like about a big garden?” These are gestures that implicitly show the girl that it is ok to express unhappiness to a loved one, as it will help her learn about herself. Through grandma’s questions, the child may say “I like having many plants around, it feels so nice!”
But say the family lives in a small apartment and a big garden isn’t possible. This is a logistics factor that is no one’s fault, and grandma can support her granddaughter to brainstorm how to meet her love for plants in her current life. “I think big gardens are nice too! We don’t live in a big place, but we have that sunny window in the kitchen. What if we grew some grass for the cat to eat?”
In this situation the kid learns when you want something you don’t have and you feel sad about it, it is a valid human experience to be understood. This teaches the girl that we can desire nice things and include loved ones to help us realize our dreams. Most importantly, you can weigh your options beyond binary terms: appreciate what you have while at the same time improving it to fit and meet your needs better.
Unfortunately, grandma may feel triggered by the child’s unhappiness and respond in very hostile ways.
“Well if you like Thom’s home so much, why don’t you go live with his family?”
“We don’t have money for a big garden! Be grateful for what you have!”
The girl quickly learns that when she expresses unhappiness it creates anger and rejection from grandma. All children want to stay in the good graces of their caregivers, so if grandma repeatedly shut down the girl’s desire, overtime she will learn that expressing what she wants is dangerous and will lead to family rejection.
Facing the Ghost in the Present
So what can be done about the ghost?
The first step is becoming aware you have a haunting narrative that comes up whenever you desire beyond your current life. Just knowing you have a family ghost that appears in specific situations allows you to find ways to buffer its impact: by staying clear-headed when the ghost comes up.
If you don’t know how to support yourself when you feel scared, think back to a time in your life when you were afraid of something and overcame it. Perhaps it’s asking for help from others like speaking to your mentors and friends, and reading about people who are living the life you dream of. Maybe it’s breaking down the dream into smaller steps. If you find there are pieces your mentors cannot help you, therapy with a specialized therapist may help you reach a breakthrough.
The ability to stay clear-headed when facing unpleasant and scary emotions is a key part of what therapy is for. It is about having a professional guide to support you to face the ghost and deeply understand what it is trying to say. Years of helping clients have taught me that under the criticism of “You are being ungrateful.” is the fear of uncertainty from your elders and yourself. The skill to be learned is then how to look deeper into the fear and address them with nuance.
In being able to stay clear-headed when the ghost appears, you can steady yourself and see it clearly for what it is presenting. Knowing that it formed from earlier life experiences, therapy can help you begin quieting the ghost by speaking back to it “That’s not true. I can be grateful and also want change, being unhappy just means I have needs that are unmet!” With the ghost shrinking in its influence, then it will be easier to see the desire it is trying to keep from you: the desire for a richer life while still having a relationship with significant others. This desire requires nuanced solution, including naming exactly what you want and how to live with others’ disapproval.
For many of us Queer and Trans immigrants, we are often feeling fortunate to be alive and have some stability, and may feel guilty and mixed feelings about wanting more in life. We deserve more. If you want to put the ghost to rest and summon up new spells and spirits that will aid you in a dream life, please reach out to me.
I have been through my own big experiences and have helped many clients do the same. You deserve help. It is time to ask for help to care for yourself, truly.
Explore What Makes Your Life Fulfilling with Jules Cheng
Are you eager to understand the key elements that make relationships truly fulfilling? Ready to embark on a journey toward deeper connection and satisfaction? Jules Cheng, a compassionate Registered Psychotherapist, specializes in helping individuals and couples build meaningful relationships and find personal fulfillment. Through personalized therapy sessions, I empower you to navigate challenges, align your actions with your values, and cultivate lasting bonds. Let’s work together to ensure your relationship thrives and brings you the joy and connection you deserve. Take the First Step:
- Make an Appointment
- Learn More About Me and My Services
- Ensure Your Life is Fulfilling!
Other Therapy Services Offered by Jules Cheng
n addition to specializing in nurturing fulfilling relationships, I offer a range of therapy services tailored to diverse needs:
Individuals and Couples Therapy
I provide a safe and supportive environment where you can explore your emotions, improve communication, and foster personal growth within your relationships. Whether you’re facing personal challenges or aiming to enhance relational dynamics, my approach emphasizes nurturing understanding and resilience. Together, we can create a path toward a more balanced and fulfilling life.
I understand the unique dynamics faced by immigrants in their relationships. My culturally sensitive therapy empowers individuals and couples to navigate cultural differences, overcome communication barriers, and address other challenges. Let’s work together to build strong and fulfilling relationships that honor your cultural identity and experiences
Navigating Different Life Goals in Partnership
As couples grow, differing goals, dreams, and values can emerge, creating tension and unresolved conflicts about money, family, parenthood, or changing identities. These challenging conversations often lead to negativity and resentment, leaving you feeling stuck and stressed. While friends and family might suggest compromising or giving up on your dreams, you wonder if there’s a better way. I understand the pain and helplessness of not finding a resolution and feeling unsupported. My therapeutic interventions help you navigate these uncertainties by building communication skills that foster understanding and connection. Together, we can create intentional solutions that align with both your values and dreams, ensuring your partnership thrives despite the challenges.