Haunting Holiday Thought Series:
Overcoming “I Don’t Know What I Want”
They look at me with distress in their eyes and voice. Many of them want their existing life to change but are lost on what they desire. Perhaps you can relate to my clients:
You have overcome many of life’s hurdles in your education, immigration, and career. The commonly prescribed goal posts in life lay out clearly before you: get promoted, save money, take vacations, buy a house, get married, have children, raise them, and care for your aging parents. So you pursue these goal posts with the same zealousness you tackled the earlier hurdles, not expecting questions to start swirling in your mind about their validity. Maybe you don’t want children. Perhaps you are not interested in marriage. With increasing age you also want to learn more about who you truly are. For the first time in your life, you realize you can disregard the common goal posts, and you are excited. In this new stage, without the designated goal posts, you are also terrified about what comes next.
Wanting a Different Path than the Norm
Even more distressing is the lack of support from your previous mentors. Your friends, elders, and coworkers have all followed the popular path, and cannot offer you information on doing differently. Some of them even discourage you:
“Everybody wants to do something unique, but you are not supposed to act on them!”
“If you don’t want this traditional path, what do you want? How can you even make it work if you don’t know how to do it?”
Their words tighten your temples and sit like a lump in your throat. You know that you don’t long for the common path but are at a loss on what to pursue. You feel like the odd one out and begin to see your lack of knowing as a personal flaw. Hard feelings of loneliness and rejection starts to rise, and come in the voice of a ghost that’s always just waiting in the shadows:
“It’s your fault you don’t know what you want.”
Where Did the Ghost Come From?
I’ve heard this haunting statement too many times from clients, and years of experience have shown me that the ghost came about because clients were forced to repeatedly discounted their voices growing up.
Maybe this story would resonate with you:
While living at home, you sometimes wanted things different from your family. As a kid you wanted to have more friends at school, but other children ignored you for being too girly/boyish/loud/quiet. You came home upset one day after being told you’re not invited to a sleepover: “I want more friends Dad! These other kids invited everyone but me!”
In an ideal world, Dad would be able to validate your frustration and comfort you. But if Dad was never good at making friends himself either, he would have no skills to teach you how to deal with being isolated at school. He may feel like an incompetent parent and unconsciously took out his frustration on you: “Why do you want friends anyway? That’s not important in life. You need to learn how to be by yourself and just do good work, that’s how you succeed!”
Without conscious register, you took in these messages from Dad:
- It’s not ok to want friends.
- Wanting more friends is a sign of failure, a personal flaw.
- If you complain about not having friends, Dad will criticize and reject you.
Unconsciously you learned that in talking about your sadness and longing for friendship, a loved one got angry at you. Overtime, when faced with any inklings of a significant others’ disapproval, yor instinctively shut off your own interests to avoid criticism. To ease the pain of not having to long for something, you convince yourself you didn’t want it anyway.
This approach can be very useful in your earlier life, when the rubric for success was uniform for everyone (get good grades at school, find a job after graduation). But what if you are relatively stable in your career, and the definition for success becomes less clear? What if you are no longer happy with your existing friends, but are not sure what to look for? This brings up the ghost in your ears again “It’s your fault you don’t know what you want. Maybe there’s something wrong with you!” The pain of believing you are broken stings too much that you bury the thought of wanting change for another day. Even when you do deep self-introspection, getting close to the longing may summon the ghost to keep you from naming what you want. Without precise and focused introspection, your self-awareness stays at the stage of being unhappy, but unable to name what you want.
Face the Ghost and be Free
The key to knowing what you want in this case is simple: stay with the uncomfortable feelings the ghost brings up, and see the messages hidden beneath them. Often when the ghost has been summoned you will feel a lot of unpleasant emotions that cause you to avoid further investigation. To build the skill of intentional and focused introspection, you need a guide to help you. This is why my clients come to me.
In being able to face your fear and really inspect it, you can see that your fear is not a monolith, but a puzzle consisting of many different thoughts and needs that each need nuanced and tailored solutions. The common parts I see in my clients’ fears are:
- Fear of the unknown (“I am scared”).
- Lack of known-how (“I don’t know what to do”).
- Fear of rejection (“I’m afraid people will judge me/leave me”).
To their surprise, with intentional introspection; clients are also able to hear other internal voices’ that signal excitement: “I really want the right kind of queer friends to be easy with! That would make me so happy that I wouldn’t know what to do.”
The first step to managing all the fear and excitement is to gently talk, soothe, comfort, and encourage each part, as this will allow you to deepen your self-understanding.
Say to the part that fears the known: “I understand, we don’t have to rush this. We can go very slowly.”
Comfort the fear of rejection with “It might happen, I can’t lie to you. But we can do this slowly, and maybe start having queer friends before we have to decide what to do about the old friends.”
Support the lack of know how with “I know it’s scary. But we’ve figured out so many things before! And we can research! All just from our couch!”
Lastly, hold the hand of the excited part: “Yes, we deserve this, we want queer friends to bike with and giggle about gay jokes! We can figure out how to behave around them.”
With these myriad of truthful and revealing statements, the ghost is seen and dealt with and loosens its hold on you. You realize it’s not that you don’t know what you want, but you are still learning HOW to read what you want. When you are able to stay grounded during fear, the other skills to learn are how to take action in a way that keeps the fear at a manageable amount—so that it motivates you but doesn’t overwhelm you. It’s a skill that can be learned, I would love to support you through this. I’ve seen time and time again that facing fear of the unknown feels more satisfactory overtime than bending to your fears and abandoning your dreams. I’ve done the work myself and helped many clients like you through it. Please reach out to me and I would love to help you.
Discover the Joys of a Fulfilling Life with Jules Cheng
Are you ready to explore what makes life truly fulfilling and embark on a journey toward deeper connection and satisfaction? I, Jules Cheng, a compassionate Registered Psychotherapist, specialize in guiding individuals and couples toward meaningful relationships and personal fulfillment. Through personalized therapy sessions, I help you navigate challenges, align your actions with your values, and cultivate lasting bonds. Let’s work together to create the fulfilling relationship you deserve:
- Schedule your consultation
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- Begin your journey to a deeper, more meaningful connection
Explore Specialized Therapy Services with Jules Cheng
Individuals and Couples Therapy
My therapy services are designed to address diverse needs, offering a nurturing environment where clients can explore emotions, enhance communication, and foster personal growth within their relationships. Whether you're navigating personal challenges or seeking to improve relational dynamics, I emphasize understanding and resilience.
Support for Immigrants and Relationships
Recognizing the unique challenges immigrants face in relationships, I provide culturally sensitive therapy that empowers individuals and couples. I assist you in navigating cultural differences, overcoming communication barriers, and addressing other complexities to build strong and fulfilling relationships.
Navigating Different Life Goals in Partnership
As couples evolve, differing goals, dreams, and values often arise, leading to conflicts over finances, family, parenthood, and identity. These difficult conversations can sometimes result in negativity and resentment, leaving you feeling stuck and stressed. Friends and family might suggest compromising or abandoning your dreams, but you may seek a different solution.
I understand the pain and helplessness that come with feeling unsupported and unable to resolve these issues. My therapeutic approach is designed to help you navigate these uncertainties, enhancing communication skills that foster understanding and connection. Together, we can develop intentional solutions that respect both your values and dreams, allowing your partnership to flourish despite the challenges.