Haunting Holiday Thought Series:
How to Live with Others’ Disapproval
“But I can’t tell my mom no, she will be so disappointed!”
A few minutes prior, my client was so excited to talk about the boundary they want to set. The possibility for realistic change after years of inertia felt like a breeze in a stifling room. Yet as the reality becomes more in reach with every therapy session, so looms the consequences of making a change: What will other people think?
The anticipated weight of others’ displeasure makes their chest tighten. Bearing another’s disappointment creeps up on them like a ghost whispering in their ear: “If you change, no one will want you. ”
How the Ghost Came About
This narrative came about because my client was not allowed to freely act like a child growing up. They have had a sibling who was the “problem child” that took up all of their parents’ time. Their stressed parents also had so many marital conflicts that they had no time for this child.
Maybe you relate to this childhood experience:
The only time your parents would give you kind attention was by praising you for being mature for your age. When you did express upset, they made you feel like you had disrupted the peace: “How can you be so selfish and cause our family stress?” “Stop acting like this! I don’t know who you are!” The emotional turmoil of being unrecognizable and unlovable to your parents felt devastating. In this time of great fear the ghost was formed, telling you that “If you don’t be what people want you to be, they will reject you. You’ll be all alone!” You will do anything to avoid upsetting them again. So seamless and automatic is the internal process to prevent your parents’ negative emotions, that any time there is even an ounce of possibility of their displeasure, you shut down expressing yourself right away.
The ghost then follows you to your adulthood and looms over whenever you consider major life decisions that may disturb the peace. Perhaps you want to separate from your partner, maybe you want to build more friendships, or you are considering expanding your gender while considering quitting a “golden handcuff” job. You worry your parents won’t be able to suffer the shock, and would prove the ghost right. As you’ve practiced many times automatically before, you shut down the thoughts on making changes.
Facing the Ghost in the Therapy Room
Back in the therapy room, I can sense the fear rising in my client as the ghost whispers rejection from others. Their body tense up while their face runs pale. They can already envision what may happen, and the fear is urging them to abandon all changes they had planned for.
If my client was with a friend at this moment, their fearful silence may lead the friend to tell them to delay taking action. This will immediately ease the anxiety, only to rise again with more force the next time my client is reminded of the fulfilling changes they long for. But credit to my client, they already knew they needed someone who will respect their choice but also hold them accountable to what they say they want in ways family and friends can’t. They know they need an impartial third party who is only committed to helping them get what they want. That’s why they are working with me.
From years of supporting people moving towards fulfillment and authenticity, I know often the anticipated consequence is far scarier than the reality. In these moments I say “It’s totally ok to be scared. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.” But I don’t stop there. “What’s the worst thing that can happen, if you were to tell your mom you don’t want to hear her talk about your dad anymore?”
It will be disappointing for her. Devastation.
“What’s the worst that can happen if she’s disappointed you won’t be her confidant?”
The guilt, it’s going to eat me up.
“And what’s the worst if you were to be wrought with guilt?”
Difficult. It will haunt me.
“So the worst that can happen from you setting this boundary you’ve always wanted, is it will hurt and be very consuming. That is very much true. And then what will happen?”
Life has to keep going somehow. I don’t know how.
“And then what will happen?”
I will still live my life. It will be hard, but I will keep living, somehow.
“So it sounds like your problem is you will live with the guilt, you just don’t know exactly how yet?”
The true consequence of taking action is settling in front of them. Instead of the vague shadow hanging over them, the difficulty is now a realistic task that needs ongoing practice: How to support themself whenever they feel guilty, while maintaining boundaries with mom.
The client’s energy can now be spent on reflecting what difficult feelings would come up, and how they can speak back to it or seek support. For example, they may feel they are a bad child for saying no to mom, and they can either have a mantra to remind them like “You can express care through saying no as well.” or call a friend if they are emotionally overwhelmed. Overtime, they will learn that just because they feel bad after setting a boundary, does not mean the boundary was wrong. But rather, it is a natural part of changing and expressing our true self. Most importantly, like all skill learning, it gets easier with practice. They can even learn the skill of how to gently correct mom when she crosses the boundary, as opposed to completely going berserk. Even if mom gets upset, they can still gently and respectfully say no.
Jules’ Personal Experience on Facing Disapproval
I remember as a child there were multiple parts of me that didn’t “fit” with the typical little girl. I was loud, sassy, and quick tongued. As I got older that became less acceptable. I was deeply closeted while being raised in organized religion for over two decades. For many years I was too afraid to break ties with what I’ve known, fearing I would then be all alone and lost. The impetus of my departure came when the thought of staying safe but stunted was more unbearable than the fear of losing the community I’ve known since birth.
I also didn’t overcome the loss and loneliness overnight. My departure of asserting who I am and refusing what I was raised with took several years, aided by the process of finding people who accept and understand the difficulty of Asian family relationships. So even as I was wrought with guilt while disappointing my religious family, I could find shelter in the accepting presence of graduate school friends who let me vent and affirm my decision. Overtime their loving voices become my internal voice in times of living against the status quo, which allowed me to break more molds and gain more freedom (like gender and sexuality).
You can learn to live with disapproval and losing community through very gradual changes. I wish you freedom that comes from taking risks and facing rejection, because you will find new allies and set your eyes on new horizons. It will not be easy initially but you will grow into it, because with every step you gain on your personal truth journey, so will the sense of fulfillment begin accumulating in your heart. Not only will this give you the motivation to keep going, but the sense of satisfaction will be confirmation you are on the right path.
I know the challenges of how to make a fulfilling life happen, and I have the expertise to help you. Your story will be different from mine, but I am here to help you, with only your goals in mind. Please reach out to me, you deserve to make this life the one you want.
Find Your Path to Life Fulfillment in Toronto, CA with Jules Cheng
Are you yearning for deeper connections and greater satisfaction in your relationships? Jules Cheng, a compassionate Registered Psychotherapist, is here to guide you on this transformative journey. With a heartfelt and tailored approach, Jules helps individuals and couples navigate challenges, align their actions with their values, and build lasting, meaningful bonds. It’s time to take the first step toward a more fulfilling relationship:
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Other Therapy Services Offered by Jules Cheng
Individuals and Couples Therapy
Life can sometimes feel overwhelming, and finding the right support is crucial. I offer a range of therapy services tailored to meet your unique needs, providing a safe and nurturing space where you can explore your emotions, improve communication, and foster personal growth within your relationships. Whether you're facing personal challenges or looking to enhance your relationship dynamics, my approach is all about nurturing understanding and resilience. Together, we can work towards a more fulfilling and balanced life.
Navigating relationships as an immigrant comes with its own set of unique challenges. I understand these dynamics deeply and offer culturally sensitive therapy to empower both individuals and couples. My goal is to help you navigate cultural differences, overcome communication barriers, and address other challenges to build strong, fulfilling relationships. Let's work together to create a supportive and understanding environment where your relationship can thrive despite cultural complexities.
Navigating Different Life Goals in Partnership
When couples’ goals, dreams, and values diverge over time, it can create tension and uncertainty. Whether it’s about finances, family decisions, or evolving identities, these differences often lead to negative conversations and resentment. You want the relationship to work but worry about compromising or separation. I understand the pain and helplessness of feeling stuck and unable to confide in friends or family. My therapeutic interventions help you navigate these challenges by fostering effective communication and understanding. Together, we’ll create intentional solutions aligned with both your values and goals, ensuring your relationship can thrive despite differing life paths.