When the pattern amongst my clients’ partnerships became clear, I was shocked. With pandemic lockdown being an event of the past (so far), I find it shocking how quickly people are trying to move on, but neglect one of their most important relationships—that with their partner.

Most of my clients’ lives underwent intense upheaval that outside of Pandemic times would already be incredibly disruptive and warrant a round of therapy for everyone involved. And yet, everyon's daily lives were of chaos and suffering under the global crisis, leading to many overlooking the serious and long-lasting impact they have endured, and are still enduring. The significant upheaval I see clients were affected by are:

Loss of Career Plans

People’s employment have been severely impacted during the Pandemic, with the effect ongoing. This included losing their job, or losing the work culture/environment they wanted. Perhaps the team culture became more toxic, or they were taxed with the burden of having to lay someone off. The resulting stress and dissatisfaction can cause setbacks in people’s original career plans, where they may feel the need to look for a new job earlier than intended. Career changes can also incur financial costs that result in delaying life plans.

Loss of Support

The pandemic removed previously stable and strong support resourcesfor the partnership. Perhaps you had friends you could socialize regularly to release stress, but those friends moved away due to job relocation. Your previous sources of support may have also shifted to needing more care from you, such is the case of an adult sibling who would pick up groceries for you, but since their layoff, now needs your financial help.

Loss of Family Relationships

The pandemic not only created changing needs in these families, the crisis may have also created conflicts. Perhaps your extended family used to connect and spend time together regularly, but with political differences on the lockdown policy, you are now estranged and no longer on speaking terms.

Loss of Trust and Safety

Disruption in daily lives, as well as seeing the political differences and government incompetence in facing a threatening infection, changed the way a lot of people relate to their fellow humans and institutions. Losses on all fronts also highlighted the precarity of life. The anti-Asian racism and police brutality on George Floyd also shook people’s sense of safety.

A Partnership under Multiple Losses

Humans are not built to handle concurrent and ongoing losses. Under such intense uncertainty and feeling of loss of control, most people become overwhelmed and traumatized, as in they go into rigid modes of coping just to survive. This can look like shutting down easily, feeling helpless, or being panicked and anxious over many things. When we are in these modes of being, it is all too often we have conflicts with and neglect our partner’s needs.

For example, you may have been very sick with COVID but your partner couldn’t take care of you as they had to focus on making an income. While you did the reasonable thing of allowing your partner to work, the vulnerability of being weak and neglected can still leave a wound. Your partner may not even know you felt hurt and with their job situation improved now, thinking everything is fine.

The end result is a couple who is not sharing the same reality, despite they are in the same relationship. One may feel “Phew, finally everything is over, at least we kept our home!” while the other is further pained by seeing their partner's obliviousness to their wound. Both partners can feel their lover is unwilling to validate their experience, further fueling the sense of disconnection.

How Accumulated Wounds look like at Home

Accumulated, unspoken, unacknowledged wound in the home looks like stuck communication. People who do not exist in the same reality cannot reach an understanding, because neither side can see where the other is coming from, or may feel too hurt or exhausted to listen. As a couple you may try to talk things out, but because there have been too many moments of neglected and unresolved misunderstanding, even the most benign topics can trigger past pains, and the conversation becomes derailed. In the end, no resolution is reached, the but pile of misunderstanding gets bigger and continues to accumulate.

Tend to Your Partnership Now

If you are noticing these symptoms at home, this is the time to start taking care of it. You may say you want to wait until your career is more settled or when your family plans are more concrete. As important as these factors are, be aware a strained partnership decreases your capacity to cope with stress and make well-thought decisions. On the other hand, a relationship where you are sharing the same reality and have built the skills for understanding, means both of you can not only feel hopeful for the future, but be there to support each other, and weather any upcoming turbulence with greater resilience.

How Your Partnership can get Better

First, be able to have an understanding of how the past few years impacted you as a couple. This means having the space to truly speak what your reality has been like, and actually hear each other. These conversations can be deeply emotional for the couple, and clients often get derailed because neither can handle the stress. Outsourcing mediation to a couples therapist allows you both to be heard, and be guided to a shared understanding and build connection. Within this space you will also practice how to listen and speak in a way that keeps fostering connection, even when misunderstanding happens. Most importantly, having someone to step in when things do get derailed, and learn right on the spot how to get back on track. These are all skills I teach my clients, and you can learn them and use them for life. Imagine going from feeling stuck and confused about why you feel disconnected from your partner, to undersatnding what's happening, and using that information to truly hear each other, and gain hope and connection in your partnership. You can, and I would love to help you.